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Being Bipolar #mentalhealthmonth

May is Mental Health Awareness month, so I suppose there is no better time to talk about my mental illness.

I was diagnosed as “Manic Depressive” When I was 14 years old. I believe, however, that my symptoms began manifesting when I was about 7 years old. I at least suffered from major depression from 7, of that there is no doubt. The emotion I remember most from my childhood is sadness. I think anger and joy would tie for second place. 

When I was diagnosed at 14, I was put on lithium, and I can’t recall exactly why I stopped taking it, but it was years before I even attempted to take meds again. 

About three years ago, I started having full on panic attacks, complete with heart palpitations (PVCs) and began taking meds. They keep the anxiety at bay, and I don’t feel like I am going to die, so I take them every day. But they don’t solve all of the problems, and some are getting worse, which is why I need a meds adjustment.

So how does being bipolar affect me on a day to day basis?

Well, I find it extremely difficult to concentrate on any one thing at a time. I call it my ADD, but that isn’t what it is. My brain is going too fast, and nothing in the outside world can keep up. Or maybe I am depressed right now, and my brain is going to slow to keep up with the outside world. I don’t know. My thoughts race, like a tape on high speed, and it makes me feel like I need to bang my head on a wall sometimes. I hate it when my thoughts race. 

Also, I wish I hadn’t just checked my work email because there were three emails in there pointing out that I made mistakes in one of the projects that I’ve been working on. I will have to fix that tomorrow, first thing. At least it was only two or three things out of about 100 things I had to do for that project. Winning? Doesn’t much feel like it today. But it might tomorrow. Hell, it might in a few minutes. That’s what it is like Being Bipolar. Will try to post more about this as the month goes on. Thank you for reading xoxoxo.

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